John B. Leaf

Fifteen. Hard to believe. I know it’s cliché, but it seems like just yesterday I was rocking you to sleep, a boy in each arm. I so enjoyed those years, holding you and caring for you; building those Neural Nets by throwing a ball in your face or pushing you onto a pile of pillows; reading The Old Man and the Sea out loud, knowing you could see those sharks. Yet I can say I enjoy you boys just as much now (except for those teen moments). Watching you grow and develop into the men that God wants you to be is a great privilege, and it is an honor to have a role in that process. As I had hoped, you are much better men than I am. The Lord has blessed you, above all, with solid character and a heart willing to conform to His will and follow Him. In addition He has blessed you with many gifts and talents, of which you are to be good stewards. As your earthly father, I would love you no matter what, but, as it turns out, you are so easy to love. I am grateful beyond words that at the foundation of the world God determined that you would be my boys.

Without being overly dramatic (too late?), I want you to understand that the next five to ten years will be the most critical of your entire life. You will be forced during this time to make decisions, small and large, which will shape the rest of your life. You will be unable to avoid these decisions. If you do avoid them, that itself will be a decision, and a bad one. You will make mistakes, you will fail, and you will sin. Some of these errors will be large and you will suffer little, some of the errors will be small and you will suffer much, such is life in a fallen world. I will remind you there is always forgiveness at the cross (John 1:9), but often we carry with us the consequences of our choices even beyond our redemption.

As you know, one of the most important choices you will make during this time is how you will handle one of God’s great gifts: sex. It is part of God’s design and an important one. In fact, the importance of sex and marriage in God’s design is quite staggering. If you are to make the right choices, we must go far beyond moralizing and understand God’s design as fully as we are able. We will not have the space here to explore every detail of God’s design for sex and marriage, so we will focus on two overarching aspects of this design.

The first is that woman was created for man because man needed her. The value of marriage for man is tremendous, as we see when we examine the events of creation. God had created all things by the word of His power in the space of six days, and He had declared at the end of each day of creation that it was good. However, on the sixth day, the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18, emphasis added). This is no small thing; there are ramifications there that are profound. Adam was created after the image of God, perfect in knowledge, righteousness and holiness, in his pre-fallen state able to commune with God in the Garden of Eden . . . and it was not good? As the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit had had eternal relationship within the Godhead and were equal in power and glory, the nature of God demanded that man have a relationship with someone like himself and that the relationship itself must reflect the nature of God. How important is woman! How important is marriage! And how important is sex.

We find that after the creation of Eve, God blessed them and then commanded—His first commandment—“Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). He is talking about sex. And He says fill the earth! That must take lots of sex. In addition, as you are certainly aware, God designed in man and woman what we call the “sex drive.” We want it. We are supposed to. In general men have a stronger sex drive than women. That is also part of the design. The man is designed by God to lead, to take the initiative (Ephesians 5:22). He is to give to his wife, among other things, encouragement, love, protection, and instruction (Proverbs 5:28, Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:7). She is to receive from her husband these things and more (Colossians 3:18). We can see this also reflected in God’s physical design of the male and female body. The man is designed to give himself to the woman sexually, and she is designed to receive him sexually. Can’t believe I just said that? This is God’s design, and I like it. I’m supposed to; He made me that way. He has given us our bodies and the gift of sex as a way of expressing intimate love for our spouse. The Bible says this is a mystery which we do not fully understand (Proverbs 30:19). God has not only established sex, but He has commanded that it is an ongoing, vital part of the marriage relationship (1 Corinthians 7:3).

We are designed to respond to the form of a woman’s physical beauty (Proverbs 5:18). The Bible never speaks of physical beauty as bad—how could it? Beauty is a blessing. But it is a second thing. God values holiness and righteousness over physical beauty, and so should you. It is not wrong to notice the beauty of a woman, the ratios and proportions and curves. You are supposed to find that wondrous. I remember you at eight years old asking me if it was all right that you liked the girls in a way that was different from the boys. You asked because we had made it clear that there would be no “girlfriends” until high school (or beyond). And of course it was all right. You are designed to respond to the feminine; you are supposed to desire the woman. But in our fallen state we go wrong. A man is likely to go beyond noticing and appreciating the physical beauty of a woman. He so often begins to covet, to lust, to desire and make plans to have that which is not his. There is one woman out there for you; she already belongs to you, and you to her. You must take care not to make plans to have that which is not yours to have; that is an infraction of the ninth commandment, and if you act upon it, the seventh. The Christian man is called to discipline himself in regard to his sexuality (1 Thessalonians 4:3, Romans 13:13, Revelation 14:4).

The second aspect of God’s design for sex and marriage is that marriage reflects God’s triune nature, His covenant, and His faithfulness to His church. Just as the Father and Son are one, so are the husband and wife (Mark 10:8). Just as the Son submits to the Father, so the wife is to submit to the husband (Colossians 3:18). And just as the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son, so the children proceed from the husband and the wife. It is God’s design, and it reflects the relationships of the eternal Godhead—His very nature. Marriage is not a manmade institution; it was instituted by God as described in the book of Genesis. It is part of the social order of His creation, not to be trifled with, not to be taken lightly.

God has established a covenant with His church. He has said “I will be your God and you will be my people” (Genesis 17:7, Exodus 6:7, Leviticus 26:12). A covenant is a solemn vow, a promise establishing a permanent relationship. God has promised that He will not forsake His people. Marriage between a man and woman is a covenant, a solemn vow establishing permanent relationship. Just as God is faithful to His people, so you are to be faithful to your wife. This is why God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He will not forsake His people, and you are not to forsake your wife.

The Bible refers to the church as the Bride of Christ (Revelation 21:9). We are told, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This may seem odd, as we know that a marriage includes eros love, a romantic love. How can it be that this relationship is used to describe Christ and the church? The church is spoken of as a harlot, an unfaithful woman who goes with any man, or in this case worships false gods. God does not shy away from using sexual language to describe His relationship to the church. It is a mystery we do not fully understand, but we must not deny the language of the Bible, and that is the language the Bible uses to describe the church. It is part of God’s design and in some way also reflects His nature.

You are to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Did you notice He gave to the church, and the church received? That is what you are to do; it is how you are made. Part of that giving is a denial of self. It is put into practice now by waiting for her to arrive so that when you give yourself to her physically, it will be without blemish, as Christ gave Himself to the church without blemish.

We have been open about this topic in our home, and you both have a solid understanding of the biblical view of sexuality within marriage. It is my hope that this examination of God’s design will give you even greater and deeper insights as you prepare for the trials of the years ahead, years which will put you to the test; for an untested faith is no faith at all.

As you have grown into these years, and have begun really to notice girls (and they sure have noticed you), your mother and I enjoy reflecting on your early years, and often laugh at some of the funny stories of your inquisitiveness on the subject of sex and marriage. One of my favorite stories (and one you know well) is our discussion when you were six about the relationships in our home and church body as they relate to the four loves: agape, philia, storge, and in particular eros:

“I know what eros is, Dad.
It’s like Pepe Le Pew and how he is always after that girl cat.”
“Yes, son, something like that.”
“Dad, when I am older, will many girls say ‘eros’ to me?”
“Yes, son, I suspect they just might.”

And they will. When I was your age, we did not have access to movies like we do now, and the ABC Sunday Night Movie was a big deal. Every so often the latest James Bond film was edited and shown on TV. He was always with a different girl, often several in the same movie. My mother would always say “It’s not like that. Every other girl you meet will not want to have sex with you.” She was wrong. It may not be every other one, but I assure you, there will be many who will offer themselves to you sexually and, in some cases, will devise plans and schemes to have their way.

How does the young Christian man prepare himself to resist? How does he prepare himself for God’s design for marriage? It is not unlike wrestling: “The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win.” You must choose your path before you are looking into the dark brown eyes of a young lady you admire—or one who has plans for you. Many of your friends will push the girl to go as far as she will allow. Not so with you. You are to lead. It is your responsibility to be sure that God’s design is followed. You must call out to God now and continue to call out, asking that He send the Holy Spirit to you, for it is by His power alone that we are able to do good and resist temptation (Matthew 26:41).

One of the ways young men and woman are preparing themselves has become a fad in the evangelical church: the “purity ring.” Unfortunately, many will not keep the vow they made. Many will participate under societal or familial pressures. Many will make the vow based on the moralizing of the churches they attend, without the full understanding of God’s design for sex and marriage. The culture in your school promotes it. Most of your friends have one already. And you have asked for one; in fact you asked several years ago. It was not time then; it is easy to promise not to eat when you have never experienced the pangs of hunger. Now you are beginning to understand something of those pangs. They are real, by God’s design, and you will have to control them (through submission to His will). You will receive your ring this week, on your birthday. I am pleased that you know that “True love waits” and that you will promise to do so. However, before you make that promise, I wanted to be sure you understand what you are doing (being faithful), why you are doing it (God’s design), how it may be accomplished (power of God), and the ultimate goal of such a choice (glorifying God).

I believe you two are in a unique position to stand strong in this area and bring glory to God. The world often assumes that those who uphold God’s design for sex and marriage do so out of perceived weakness. God has blessed you both with gifts of beauty, intelligence, athleticism, creativity, humor, and presentation. You will be able to speak to the world from perceived strength. You have an opportunity to influence the culture. I would encourage you to become involved in the “Teen Engage” program promoting abstinence, or some similar program seeking to influence the world around you in the only way we can, by sharing biblical truth.

When you promise to delay sex until marriage, you are promising to be faithful to God’s design through His power and for His glory. You are promising to be faithful to your future wife, a woman you have perhaps not yet met. It is important to note this vow is not to your parents; rather it is in front of us. We are witnesses to the promise, not unlike the marriage vows themselves. The promise is made as an affirmation that you believe God’s word. God has said that His gift of sexuality is to find its ultimate expression only within the sanctity of marriage (Exodus 20). You are to wait because God says you are to wait. However, like any of God’s laws, we find that obedience comes with a reward, and disobedience with punishment (Joshua 8:34). We do not obey simply to get the reward and avoid the consequences, but such things can be helpful to us when we are faced with temptation. Premarital sex causes emotional, spiritual and physical harm to those involved. The world does not follow God’s design (1Corinthians 3:19) and denies the consequences of sin, even when faced with the stark realities of sexually transmitted diseases, many of which are incurable and deadly, diseases which would disappear from the face of the earth in one generation if God’s design were followed.

However, it is the reward given when one follows the design of God that is our hope; the hope for the future. A central issue is that of delayed gratification. You both have always been able to comprehend this notion. Even as very young boys you were willing to forego a piece of candy before dinner for the promise of ice cream after. And so it is with this. God has promised the good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28), but He also gives this good to us in His own timing, and we are to wait on the Lord (Zephaniah 3:8), and follow His design.

Many of your friends will treat sex like a traveling carnival, riding every ride they can, sneaking past the attendant to ride the rickety roller coaster that shakes and jerks them about, spending their time and money on a cheap thrill that will leave town the next day. That is not God’s design for sex. You are to build your own roller coaster. You will start laying the solid foundation now; this is no traveling ride on an asphalt parking lot. It will take time and hard work, and you must build according to the design. It will not be ready when your friends tell their tales. And you will not complete it by yourself. She will join you in the labor. You will work side by side, and it will be for the two of you alone. Then, on that glorious wedding day (and in the years to follow), you will feel the exhilaration of an amazing ride on the ultimate roller coaster, designed by God and built with loving hands.

Works Cited

New American Standard Bible. Grand Rapids, Michigan:
Zondervan, 1995

Additional resources

Sproul, R.C. The Intimate Marriage Wheaton, Illinois
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1975